So I should probably be going to bed...but it's hard to sleep when you have to much on your mind. I can't believe that I'm going to be 23 in nine days! It always makes me laugh when I think about my siblings being this age and wanting to be as old as them so badly. I guess it was because it looked like they did all of these fun things and were independent...now I kind of feel the opposite. It isn't actually that "cool" to be older. There are all of these responsibilities and duties and just boring stuff in general. Isn't it funny how we always want to be something else until we actually are? You can look at people and think "gosh they sure are lucky, they must be rich" or "wow must be nice", but chances are if you were to actually step in their shoes you would change your mind. Sometimes I don't feel like I am as grateful as I should be for my own life. I try hard to remind myself to count my blessings, but on days when I'm tired or completely stressed out I find it difficult.
There are moments when I just feel like I'm at the bottom of the totem pole...lower than low with no where to go. But in those moments if I can catch myself I can step back and take a look at the big picture, about the things that really matter, and that feeling of failure begins to fade. The one thing that I always count on is my family. I can't say enough how blessed I am to have such an amazing family, to have their examples and their support in everything I do.
It seems like when life gets the hardest, I miss my Mom more than ever. I start to wonder what it would be like to still have her right here, to still be able to learn from her and share experiences with her. I catch myself when I get to all of the "what-if's" because I've pretty much gone over everyone and I know that it doesn't help me or change the way things are. The one thing that I can focus on is the fact that I did have her here, even if it did feel like it was a short time. I did get to learn from her and make memories with her, and I am thankful for that. Life is never easy, but Heavenly Father never said that it would be...he only said that it would be worth it. I look forward to seeing my Mommy again someday soon, learning from her again, and making new memories. I miss her so much it hurts, but I know that she misses me too.
